"Thank you." "Thank you."

Several years ago I read an article discussing the psychology behind giving money to the homeless that are jingling a cup outside of a Dunkin Donuts. The idea being that if the person in front of you throws some change into that cup, you are more likely to throw change into the cup, and the person after you. It follows the idea that we are creatures of habit and unintentionally mock the behavior of those around us.

I completely follow this mindset. Before college, I had never even sat down to watch an entire football game. Now, surrounded by friends who dedicate their Saturdays and Sundays to football, suddenly I'm an enthusiast too! I distinctly remember my first Penn State football game because I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I cheered when everyone else cheered, made a disgruntled expression when they were angry, and simply followed the moves of those around me. In bad times too, when part of the crowd starts to yell obscenities, many will join in with them (I would stand there and just look angry).

Back to today and why this is striking me. At Penn State the bus service that rides around campus is called CATA and their drivers are normally friendly and reserved. But recently I've been watching the behavior of the drivers and the riders of the bus. Who says "Good morning" at 7:35 when I'm boarding the Red Link, and who says "Thank you" when they leave the bus. And this theory of mocking each other's behavior is remarkable! When one person says one of these cordial phrases, almost every person that follows does the same!

So this leads me to really think about what behaviors I present. What behaviors am I doing that are encouraging and helping my fellow brethen? And in the reverse, what am I doing that's leading people in not so uplifting behaviors?
We mock those around us, so be encouraging, love each other, and the rest will follow.

June Session!

Oh... hey there... kind of forgot about you for a while. But I'm back baby! Yipeeee!!

June session flew by faster than I thought it would and now I'm already a week into Main session!

During June session I taught cooking six periods a day and backstage drama for the last period. Our cooking staff is made up of an incredible group of hard working people. Although it was tiring making the same dish 14 times (I can only get so excited about popcorn balls), I loved it. And mad props out to teachers out there! I don't know how you stand all your feet all day giving the same lesson over and over while trying to control 20 kids at the same time! Then, during backstage drama, I had a lovely group of 10-12 girls who taught me and learned with me the process of picking out costumes, moving scenery on and off the stage, and how curtains work! I was mainly there to do the hair/makeup for the actual play (which was Annie Jr.) and learned so much in the process. On the night of the play, two of the girls (both 5th graders) got the chance to help me out with makeup and I never felt so looked up in my life! They were enamored with everything I did and tried their best to be so helpful the whole time! I taught them how to apply bronzer and make the face looken sunken in (for the orphans) and with some minor struggles, they got it! Once the play started going and our jobs basically done, all three of us put on some bright lipstick and enjoyed the show!

I really loved June camp. The ages of the girls were 1st-8th grade and many of them were first time campers. Everything was new and exciting! Many od them captured my heart and I wish I could hang out with them in real life! It was an incredible experience to meet their parents too! To have an adult walk up to and say, "Oh! You must me Emily! My daughter wrote me about you!" I nearly teared up. Their daughters are magical. I truly hope they keep that fire-y spark!

I can't wait to see the sparks start flying at Main. The 10-day mark, which is when everything settles down and everyone really gets into the swing of things, is coming up this week! I'll try to report back with pictures soon! We've had some awesome events happen already - and yet so many more to come!

Write me! I'll definitely write back! :)
Emily Young - STAFF
21 Camp Greystone Lane
Zirconia, NC 28790

Busy days, crazy nights.

I love camp. Love it. It's the best.

I spend all day in a kitchen ("that's where you belong!" says the teenage boy in the crowd) making delicious food (today we made guac, salsa, and quesadillas!) and then I get to sing karaoke with a group of pre-teen girls (far too much T. Swift) and now I can sit back and do laundry. Ah. The life.

But seriously folks. Last night, a group of counselors and I were hot after the decade dance (a little too much Hand Jive Baby.) so we decided to jump in the lake. Why? Because we could. 
And it was awesome. 

On a totally different note, one of the huge things God has been teaching me this summer (and really this past year in general) is that everyone wants love. I mean, this seems like an elementary concept. We all want to be loved and known. I feel like I've seen this first hand though.

I saw it in my classmates, acquaintances, and friends as they strive for the attention of the opposite gender - be that by the way they dress or the way they quote Scripture.

I saw it in Haiti - playing with a kid for 15 minutes and giving them a big hug is all they needed to be glowing from the inside out.

And I see it here. In these American kids whose lives are filled with iPhone 5 cellphones, all the Lilly Pulitzer they could want, and parents that only pay half-attention. I see it. 

I feel like I finally get it. Like the constant "Gibbs-style" thumping on the back of my head makes sense. They all just want love. And they seek it in empty places. I do it too! I have to continually remind myself to not seek for it in the approving gestures of my peers or the thumbs-up from my superiors, I need, need, to seek from the only source that will truly satisfy that longing. Anywhere else is dry, dusty land. 

The compelling love of Christ.

God's evidence shines through in every aspect of camp. Seriously.

Whether I'm walking to breakfast in the morning, singing worship music in the Pavillion, or making banana pudding with campers, He's everywhere! 

 ** Sidenote: I have made 12 batches of banana pudding in two days. I'm basically a pro.**

Throughout the past few days my devotions have been focused on Christ's love and how His love is greater than all else. To put in into context, let me share a few verses:

II Corinthians 5:14-17
"14For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 15And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. 16So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:The old has gone, the new is here!"

Philippians 3:7-9
"7But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith inChrist—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. "

I love it. God is seeking me, desiring me, and longing after me. I desire for Him to be everything, and all else to be nothing compared to the great love that He has for me.
Obviously this is a daily struggle. Whether it's girls talking during morning assembly or one of the campers dropping their banana pudding on the floor (for the 3rd time!) I can laugh it off and let girls be girls - because all of this is nothing compared to the glories ahead.

Ah. It's beauteous.

Lastly, in Psalm 34, it states "those who seek the Lord lack no good thing". At first I'm all "whoopie! I lack no good thing!" and then it dawns on me the conditional part of that statement, "those who seek the Lord". I have to challenge myself daily to seek the Lord and to consistently be in the Word and in prayer talking to God. The routine has become easier with camp getting into the swing of things.

I can't wait to see all the glorious things God has in His plan for this summer. I'm already in love with the girls I'm living with and the campers that I'm interacting with. One of them said I was (and I quote) "really cool" today! What more could a girl ask for! :)

They're awesome. God is awesome. All is well.

This place is magical.

The more time I spend at Greystone, the more I see God's blessing over the whole thing - and the serious generosity that the directors have. Mainly, Jimboy and Margaret (the family that owns the camp - 4th generation!). They love the counselors and try to do everything within their power to make us excited and happy so we can then go love on the campers to make them excited and happy.

The campers aren't even here yet and I've already had the time of my life. I don't know how God could make this any better. 

Throughout this week we've been doing normal staff training things - meetings about this, that, and the other thing. But sprinkled throughout were lip-syncs, AWESOME food, and a nice with ice cream and Pitch Perfect. The accommodations are more than fantastic and genuinely, I just can't believe this place is real sometimes. 

To prove this point further, tonight we picked money out of a trashcan. Casual. 
We started the night with dinner and dessert at the owner's house (catered by Hubba Hubba) and then had a mad dash Amazing Race type competition that had camp activities with counselor responsibilities mixed in. Afterwards, the winners got cash - cold hard money. And after that, they said that everyone was getting a chance to dip into this trashcan that had $1, $5, $10, $20, $50, and $100 bills in there! Multiple of all! It was surreal. One by one, all 120+ counselors, leaders, and men staff got their turn to dip in. I got a $20! 

They are spoiling us, and it is awesome. My guess is that they know the hard (but so fun!) summer that lies ahead and want to love on us. Who knows. 

Seriously people. What kind of camp is this. 

Miscommunication. The story of my life.

I would really love to be one of those people who always knows where they are going, what time they have to be there, and what to bring. Unfortunately, no matter the amount of preparation, God humbles me every time.

Before school last year, my sister Caitlin and I wanted to attend our Penn State local chapter before-school picnic! We were nervous about going but built up the courage and ventured to the picnic together. We decided to do a drive-by first to see how many people we there and through that, it looked bleak. Hardly any cars. We decided to stop and go inside the Elk Club it was at and after wandering around for a solid 15 minutes, figured it had been cancelled. Sad day.
Then I decided to check out the email again they sent us and realized the picnic was the next day... light bulb moment of realization. Woops.

And this happens way more than it should.

A few weeks later Caitlin and I were at a concert for Gavin Degraw and decided to look up other concerts that were happening that year. We saw Brian Regan was coming to State Theater and immediately bought tickets on my phone! SO EXCITED. The day of the show her and I got all pretty and walked to State Theater to see people pouring out of the theater. We came to the conclusion that maybe there was two shows in a row... but something was off. Again, being the brilliant people we are, we more closely examined our tickets. They were for the State Theater. In New Jersey.

Now to my morning.
I tweet my camp all excited I'm coming! They favorite it and I travel the mere 15 minutes to camp (something I planned so I wouldn't have to worry about traffic). I arrive at camp at 8 am and the gate is closed. Not good. I use my brain and modern technology and tweet at the camp that I'm at the gate! They tweet back I don't have to be there til noon.
Oi vey.

My life. I could have sworn I read I had to be there by 9 am! I must have made that up in my mind. Bah. Oh well.

Gave me time to right this blog post. That's a plus.

Things I'm Loving: Roadtrip Edition

Considering nothing eventful happened today, I thought I'd share some of the things that have been life-savers (well, not exactly life...) during my trip!

Okay, one eventful thing happened. The exit I took today was this:

My car's name is Bruce Wayne and I just couldn't get over the fact that I was taking the exit for the Bat Cave! So perfect! 

Now to the good stuff! 
These products are great during travelling and regular life as well! 

1. Teavana Tumbler

  I bought this tumbler a few days ago (because making tea in the cup thing is just far too much work for me) and it is GREAT. Not only is it great for making loose tea, but a great tumbler in general. The top of it clicks open and shut, and when shut is an air-tight seal - that means no leaking at all. Seriously. It's phenomenal. 

2. Essie Nail Polish in "Spaghetti Strap"

 A classic for me. I always bring a nail polish, top coat, and remover pads (these are my favorite!) along with me! It's a great I-have-nothing-to-do-for-an-hour-so-I'll-sit-here activity and the color is perfect. Goes with just about everything. I need a solid 3 coats for it to be opaque enough for me, but one-coat gives the my-nails-look-perfectly-shiny look. 

3. Blowpro Faux Dry Shampoo

 I don't like to wash my hair everyday (it's actually pretty bad for your hair) so in between washes (or when I just don't have time to shower), dry shampoo is a genuine hair-saver. It  is a powder that you put within your hair that will soak up the oil and add extra volume. I personally take a slice of hair (1/2" thick) on either side of my part, put in a little powder, and then work it in with my finger tips. Add a little to underside of the crown of hair and BAM. SUPA-FRESH. 

The trick with this stuff is to not put it in your actual part, but next to it, if that makes sense. The powder is white so you need to work it in to your hair but once you've mastered this stuff, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it. 

4. Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Liquid Eye Liner

 Being the makeup junkie I am, I have to include this gem. It's been a staple in my makeup bag for years and always comes with me no matter where I go. It does not budge. Through sweat, tears, and oily eyelids, this stuff stays put. Between the staying power, the intense black color, and the pen applicator - I'm sold. As an added bonus, it stays liquid (as in, it doesn't dry out) for ages. I normally toss them after a few months because the applicator loses its stiffness and gets a bit floppy. 

 Using a pen applicator for eye liner can be a bit tricky, but just like the dry shampoo, once you got it - you got it. And you never let it go.

Virginia is for lovers. And slow drivers.

Road update! Hanging out in Panera drinking iced coffee (shocker!) mid-travels to camp. I'm sleeping at a friend's place tonight but they won't be home til 7... so I'm here. I'll probably begin knitting soon.

This is me right before I left! Happy camper! 

I passed an awesome biker gang early on in the trip, always a good way to start off a road trip! 

Here's the route I traveled today! 

Began in Annapolis, traveled right through Virginia to reach Lynchburg, where I had lunch, and now I'm all cozy in Greensboro! 

Observations from driving through Virginia:

1. Slow Drivers

 - It's not just a stereotype, ladies and gents, people in VA seriously drive at the speed limit and nothing more. Being from MD, I'm used to the stereotype that MD drivers are aggressive, drive too fast, and are bad drivers in general (my gender doesn't help me on that front either). And let me tell you, I exemplify ALL of those. 

- Virginia is fascinating. People drive at the speed limit. They use their blinkers a half-mile before they are going to make there turn. No sudden stops. Obviously there are the out-liars, but I'm impressed Virginia! Go you! 

2. Beautiful Roads

- This became my explanation to why everyone was driving so slow. The roads here are gorgeous. The trees are phenomenal and flowers are blooming everywhere! I had to snap a few pics (I'm a MD driver, so obviously I live on the edge) to share! 

I know, I know, it's so simple, but it was just so peaceful and beautiful. 

3. Suicidal Bugs

- I'm convinced that VA has a higher than usual population of bugs. Plus, they are ginormous. I am not a fan. My windshield is nasty-nast. They are constantly flying from the beautiful flowers in front of my car and getting smushed. Neither of us are happy about this situation. (I flinch every time I hit one, again provoking my bad driving) 

4. Roadkill Galore

- This one I don't understand at all. SO MUCH ROADKILL. Small animals, large animals, birds. Everything. Killed on the side of the road. I counted over five deer, three opossums, and four vultures. Vultures?! How does that even happen?! It was so weird.

And after venturing through the big ole state of Virginia, I reached the motherland. 

That time I left for camp.

Last day at home. Geez. I never thought it would come so fast. I AM NOT PREPARED.

I've said some final goodbyes and nearly lost it every time. Part of that has to do with the fact I'm a woman. Part of it has to do with the fact that I'm slightly over-emotional. And the last part is I'm actually sad to be leaving these people so soon after arriving home from  college. :(

I'm almost all packed (even though I'm certain I'm forgetting everything I'll actually need), have made a final trip to Teavana (YUM.), and will be packing up the caravan tonight to take off tomorrow morning (8 am, oh yeah).

For anyone that's curious from what I got from Teavana for the summer:
Golden Monkey (Black Tea)
Slimful Chocolate Decadence (Oolong Tea)
CocoCaramel Sea Salt (Herbal Tea)
 - Mix this with Golden Monkey and OH MY GOODNESS MOUTH EXPLOSION DELICIOUSNESS
Gyokuro Genmaicha (Green Tea)

Back to the point at hand: leaving for camp.
WHAT. 
How did I get here. 
Where did the time go. 

I remember Dr. Holleman (whose awesome blog you can find HERE) encouraging me to be a counselor and how it remarkably changed her life. I remember getting a call from the director, lovely Kelly, and meeting in Irving's for my interview. I remember signing my contract and couldn't believe I was actually doing this. 

And now I'm here. Tomorrow I will travel to Lynchburg, VA for lunch with one of the girls in the Bible Study I lead at school, and then will spend the night with a friend from Summer Project in Raleigh, NC. Monday will be touring Raleigh, eating yummy noms and then travelling to Hendersonville, NC for the night.

Tuesday morning, bright and early, I'll report to camp! I can't wait to meet all of the other counselors (even though I'm terrified) and getting to know the layout of the camp again! 

I need to learn to say "ya'll", drink sweet tea, and how to rock cowboy boots (I don't even own cowboy boots).
 - none of which I've done before... properly. 

Please be praying for my safe travels, community with the other counselors, and for the campers that will be arriving in a little over a week! Can't wait! 

Le Massage.

A few weeks ago I bought a Living Social deal for a spa in my area for a massage! I wanted one before I went to camp to relax and de-stress.

Before ever buying a deal on Groupon or Living Social I thoroughly look at the reviews of the place in mention. The place I bought my deal for had really good reviews, so I thought I was in safe territory.

To begin, this wasn't a horrible, no good, dirty rotten experience... it just definitely was not what I expected.

When I called to make my appointment, the owner of the place answered the phone and was an absolute peach. Wonderful woman. I needed to make the appointment before I left for camp and on the phone it sounded like she literally was booked up until the end of July - which is a good sign! Busy spas/salons means they have repeat customers or at least are decent enough to stay full!

I arrived at the spa 15 minutes before my massage, the usual, and noticed that there wasn't a soul in the place... which automatically worried me. I expected it to be super busy, but literally it was me and the owner.   She took me down a hallway to and I met my massage therapist, who really took me for a surprise.

It was a man, early twenties (literally looked like I could have gone to High School with this kid) and had a remarkable resemblence to this character:

Yup, that's Connor Paolo, who plays Declan Porter on Revenge (an ABC show I'm mildly obsessed with).

So now I'm just super uncomfortable already. Great way to start off. Empty salon. Young guy massaging. Tiny room. 

Oh boy. 

The massage itself was decent, but kept being interrupted by him telling me, "Relax, just let me do my thing."

I would like to, good sir, but you look my age and I am naked (even though I'm under a sheet). This is uncomfortable. 

After going over neck, right arm, left arm, right leg, left leg, he finally got to my back (which is all I wanted in the first place!). He dug hard into my back (and I said to go lightly!), which left me sore for the next few days and honestly the whole experience stressed me out more than relaxed me - not fun. 

After my hour (of which most I was wishing for the entire awkward experience to end), he said, "Well, Emily, I'd love to continue working on you, but our hour is up. Would you like to continue for an extra 30 minutes?" (Which I'd been told earlier would cost a sum of money). I promptly replied a quick, "No, thank you. I have lunch plans."

I left all oiled up and could barely make eye contact as he walked me to check out. 

I learned my lesson - always ask the gender/age of the massage therapist when making an appointment. But, I now know which salon to steer clear of. Let's take the positives out of this! 

The Monstrosity of Packing

Packing for a trip and parking a car are the two things I simply cannot do right the first time. With packing, I over-analyze every situation that could ever possibly happen on a single trip and end up packing nearly everything I own.

On the other hand, I'm terrified of parking. I'm really bad at judging distances in general (which proves interesting when people ask me how far something is away and I give them the "10 feet" answer - always) and therefore am convinced I will hit the two cars between which I am parking. 
    I know what your thinking, my life is so hard. 

Coming back to the point at hand. Packing for Greystone is the top priority! As it should be considering I'll be taking off in t-minus 3 days and 10 hours. YIKES. 
Being the type-A personality I am, I make lists. LOTS OF LISTS. Lists of everything. I would rather make the lists than actually pack. (I'm the same way with schoolwork. Tell me to create a list of what I need to do - nailed it. The reality of me completing the list - little to none.)

Do I pack 10 pairs of shorts? Is that too many? Is that not enough? What about rain boots? flip-flops? comfortable shoes? nicer shoes? How much can I do laundry? Do I have enough of this, that, and the other thing? 

And instead of solving all of those questions, I simply don't answer of them and leave it til the last minute. I'm glad I'm so efficient and prepared. 

Love,
Your Wanna-Be Prepared But Ultimately Unmotivated Teenager

The Straight Bangs Debate.

Such a silly topic - but so extremely stressful.
I'm a huge believer that hair is hair and it'll grow back. However, chopping it off still frightens me greatly every time. I'm determined to let it grow long... but as you can see from the last post, I'll never actually get it there.
I will get bored at just past shoulder length and chop it all off again!

Which leads me to my current hair dilemma.
I want to grow out my hair all summer. That is my goal. I'm also really thinking about getting straight-cut bangs. DILEMMA. What to do, what to do.

(If I ever had any guy readers, I've lost them by now).

I've had really long hair, short bobs, long bobs, no bangs, side-swept bangs, super choppy layered hair. But it hasn't been long in a while, and now that I can maintain and style my hair more properly, I want it back!

Bah. Commitment issues (but not really). My life.

Or just a mid-night ramble. That could be it too.

Goodbyes Suck.

I couldn't think of a more eloquent title. It's a down-fault of mine. 

I'm a starter. I love to start new projects, learn new skills, make new friends, cook new food dishes, all of those things. Want to know what I fail at? Finishing them. 

Earlier this year I watched all six seasons (121 episodes) of LOST on Netflix and simply tuned out the last ten minutes of the last episode because something distracted me - arguably the most important ten minutes of the entire series. I still haven't gone back and watched it. WHO DOES THAT.

With knitting I learned smaller projects are my forte. Baby booties - done. Hats of all variety - got it. Scarves - boom. Sweater - yeah, bout that... 
I get bored with what I'm doing and just stop! 

Not a good habit. 

The same thing is true of my sister. We both had a scarf phase (don't lie, you had one too!) where we both bought (separately) over a dozen scarves of all sizes, colors, textures, etc. 
Did we each need a dozen scarves? Of course not. But we loved scarves. They complemented every outfit! 

With music too! Mumford and Sons is my favorite band. You can nearly always find their C.D. playing in my car because I can genuinely listen to it on repeat and not get bored.

My sister, however, is a repeat song-abuser. The song below is one I can't even listen to anymore because of the vast number of times she played it on car rides. Considering we drove to and from Penn State together (3.5-4 hour drive), I nearly went crazy. 

However, I do still love me some Chris August. 

This whole post is basically leading to the point that I realized this morning, I don't like the endings. I avoid friends near the end of the year because I don't want to say goodbye. I would rather our last memory be a pure one than an over-processed gaggle of hugs and tears. I leave for camp in a week and have to leave my friends from home - whom I've only been with a grand total of three weeks. But still, rather than be all "Wahhhh I'm gonna miss you." I'd rather spend a final bonfire with s'mores and say "See you soon!" 

This time it's coupled with real goodbyes though. One of my best friends from home is moving out to California with her family and the other is travelling to Ohio State where she'll be attending in the fall. These are real goodbyes. And I can't process that. My mind doesn't like it. 

Therefore, I just end up here. Goodbyes Suck. 

I fail at blogs.

Believe me, I have no trouble keeping updated on other people's blogs, twitter, Facebook pages, etc. but keeping up with my own? Now there is a struggle bus if I've ever seen one. 

So, after several unsuccessful attempts, why not try again? 

Summer is here which means two things: lots of free time and lots of work. (Sounds contradictory, I know)

Either I'm working as a lovely receptionist (which is a glorified phone-answering machine that occasionally answers emails and schedules conference room) OR I'm watching some show on Netflix whilst knitting away furiously. 

I'm already losing you, aren't I?

This summer will be incredible for a few reasons:

- I'm working at Camp Greystone for the majority of the summer (end of May to middle of August) 

- Through said camp, I'll be in the mountains for a good portion of summer which leads to lotssssa time with Jesus - YES. 

- Also through camp I will be teaching cooking! HOW FUN IS THAT. 

- (Fingers crossed!) Sometime this summer I'll be donating bone marrow to a woman that needs it through an awesome bone marrow matching organization called DKMS

- Knitting beast I am. Current project is a lovely Weasley sweater for one of my best friends! (But seriously, been working on it for a month - IT WILL NOT END)

Join me! 

J.R.E.A.M.

A few weeks ago I met this guy in the HUB, who was a Christian, and had recently started a club of sorts that held events on Saturday nights for students who wanted to have something to do on Saturday nights - but didn't want to go out and drink. An alternative activity per say.

The club has song long acronym name - of which it the last word was JREAM, pronounced "dream" (Jesus Rules Everything Around Me), a remake of the Wu-Tang Clan C.R.E.A.M. (Cash Rules Everything Around Me).

Meeting this kid and hearing his story happened a few weeks ago, but I can't get this phrase out of my head. Jesus Rules Everything Around Me. It's been really testing my reliance on God and wanted to see if fact Jesus does rule everything around me or if I'm just pretending that's true.

One of the big areas I've struggled with recently is relying on God for financial support for Haiti. I'm so close to have raised the entire thing and I want to throw my own funds in to cap it off, but I need to rely on God through this. I need to be fervently in prayer trusting that He will provide. 

I know while I'm in Haiti my spiritual strength will be tested even further. God is going to stretch me - I can feel it. And frankly, I'm terrified.

Seek Justice. Love Mercy. Walk Humbly.

This week has been quite eventful. Freshmen Retreat is coming up this weekend so there is lots of planning going on! As well, I taught the lesson for the Bible Study I lead, so that was really being laid heavy on my heart. 

And within all of this, my fears took the better of me. 

Feelings like I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough to be leading a Bible Study. I'm not good enough to be discipling others. I'm not good enough to be planning this retreat. It would be going better if someone else was leading it. 

Fears that I've had for a long time - and all resurfacing at once. One of my goals this semester is to find my self-worth in God and not in other people (or their praises). It's at times like this when I need to remember that. 

Last night I was down. I was in the gutter. I let Satan get a foothold of my fears and oh, did he just run with it. I ended up calling one of my good guy friends, Nate, over. I was searching for affirmation in a person. But, wow, is my God greater than he who tries to tear me down. Nate listened to me as I stumbled my way through explaining what's going on and his first response is, "Grab your Bible." He led me through Genesis 1 and 2 - reminding me that I am the pinnacle of Creation. 

"I know I'm not good enough. And this is even more terrible because I know that this is the message of the Gospel! That I'm not good enough and that's why Christ had to save me!" I exclaimed through it all.
And this boy, with the wisdom of God flowing through him, calmly says, "Emily, it's not that you aren't good enough. It's that you aren't good enough to save yourself. That's why Christ died to saved you."

I have so many men bursting with the love of Christ around me. Even when I search for affirmation from them, they point me back to God. How in the world did I get so lucky. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After this interaction, I get a text from one of my lovely girls stating what a good job I'm doing and thanking me for all the things I do. 

I love these girls. Just at the right time, in God's timing. 

I cannot wait to see how God uses the women in the study I lead to teach me over the next two years. I'm already blown away a semester in. 

Even in my lesson, I taught about God's plan for our lives - and how his plan is for us to faithfully follow Him. That's it. 

Micah 6:8, "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy  and to walk humbly with your God."

That's it. 

Seek justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with your God. 

Today as I walk to class, I meditate on this refrain I've developed:

All of my questions, all of Your answers. 
All of my fears, and all of my failures. 
Seek justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with you, God. 

How can I ever repay this unfailing love? 
This love that never ends.
Seek justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with you, God. 

It's Calm. And Freezing.

It's cold. Really cold. Single digits cold. This creates a bounty of time to stay in and do readings for class... yeah, right. But I have actually been doing a lot of reading recently. Being the nerdfighter I am (say whaaa? Watch this), I've been reading the works of John Green. He's one of my favorite Young Adult Fiction writers because his wit and sarcasm that is bountiful in his many books.

So I'm reading Will Grayson, Will Grayson - which is an awesomely funny story about two boys both named Will Grayson and the adventure of their lives as they struggle with the relationships of friends and significant others - and I'm just struck at how peaceful my life is right now (yeah, absolutely nothing to do with the book). Seriously! Don't get me wrong, I'm insanely busy - but I'm at peace.

Family: awesome
Friendships: great
School Work: I'm on top of things
Relationship with God: Steadily growing

And it's beautiful.
Simply beautiful.
I almost have to take a step back and look at everything and breather.
But, I'm sure the calm won't last long. I'll enjoy it and get ahead while I can.

Worship-Filled Car Rides

This past weekend, my family and I traveled to New York for my mother's birthday. Photo included!

Not the point though. When I travel from school to home and back I have quite a bit of time in the car (3.5 hours each way). Some people really don't like driving that much - but I love it. I especially like doing it alone so I can belt out songs without worries of judgment and stares from passengers. This past weekend was no different.

And oh do I belt.

The majority of time I am listening to worship music or Mumford & Sons. That's about it.

Here I am, driving along I-83, singing praises to my Creator (listening to worship music obviously) and I just start crying. Not like "ah this is inspirational music and touching me" crying, like sobbing crying. Read this blog post to understand a bit why I was such a wreck.

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure I got at least a few crazy-person stares from other drivers.

There was one song, and then one phrase from another song, that I seriously cannot get out of my head.

"Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North is one of my favorite "here I am surrendering but I can't feel you" songs. And boy, did it resonate last night. Go listen. And don't just listen, but listen to what its saying. So beautiful.

The other is from the song "Set Apart This Dream" by Flyleaf. Flyleaf is a very alternative band in the Christian scene. Very rock-y and screamo-y. But I enjoy rocking out. The album that this song comes from is one of my favorites, but that's beside the point. Within this song it says the line, "Set your thoughts on a world far off, where we only cry from joy" 

SWEET BEAUTY.
Its gorgeous. We will only cry for joy.
Eeek! Heaven. I can't wait.

So many beautiful things await us there.

This is what contains my car rides. I am a crazy person. Jesus freak. But for real.

Unworthy.

Unworthy. Inadequate. Useless. 

These feelings aren't new and certainly aren't positive. But they are how the past month has been going in my walk. 

There are many things that happened in my past that I know God has forgiven me for, but I simply can't forgive myself for them. That leads to me into a cycle of being angry at myself, mild depression, and then recovery knowing that I'm forgiven. And again. And again. 

It sucks. Feeling unworthy sucks. Feeling inadequate sucks. For me, it's not feeling like I am worth enough to have the friends I have, be at the school I'm at, or have the loving God I have. Yet this is the Gospel! That I'm not good enough and I NEED a Savior to restore that broken relationship. 

I share the Gospel relatively often, but it seems that I'm the one that needs to be reminded of it the most! 

God loves me. The relationship is broken. Only Christ can restore it. I am forgiven. So why can't I accept that? 

One of the members of my Passion family group told me this quote by C.S. Lewis, "If God forgives us we must forgive ourselves otherwise its like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him." Said another way, if we don't forgive ourselves, we are saying we are higher than God. 

I most certainly don't want that to be true!

So I'm stuck in a rut again. Where I love God, I believe His promises and His forgiveness, but I struggle at letting things go. 

1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness"

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. 

Mephibo-who? (Part 2)

Okay, hopefully by now you've read through 2 Samuel 9. Maybe it didn't hit you quite as hard as it hit me, but let's break this down together.

This story is very reflective of the Gospel. Hence, why I find it ever so beautiful. 

1. David seeks out Mephibosheth. Mephibosheth doesn't happen to run into David - in fact (we find out later) he was hiding in society. David asked around for him because he wanted him. 

2. Mephibosheth's fear. When called by the King that could rightfully kill you for being a part of the former King's line... one can only have such high hopes. Mephibosheth probably thought the best outcome would be him coming away with his life. He was before the mighty King, who has the power and the motives to kill him. 

3. Mephibosheth's brokenness. Mephibosheth was probably an outcast. By his crippled legs alone he most likely stayed on the edges of the towns and society. He was looked down upon and recognized as broken, and he recognizes this himself, calling himself a dead dog. 

4. David restores Mephibosheth. David gives Mephibosheth more than he could ever fathom. Not only does he spare him his life, he gives him livelihood. He sits him at his table and gives him servants and food! Wealth beyond his wildest imagine - and for nothing in return. Mercy is sparing Mephibosheth his life. Grace is giving him the seat at the table, the food, and the servants. 

Hopefully you see the numerous parallels here. Maybe I can't communicate it through words. Either way, this story represents my relationship with Christ. God sought me. I deserved death. I recognized my brokenness. God gave me life and everlasting life in His kingdom. 

I am princess, a daughter of the King. I did nothing. He did everything. I didn't deserve life. He gave me more than life. 

I am a princess. 

I am Mephibosheth. 

I have done nothing. 

He has given righteousness, life, and a seat at the King's table because He loves me - that's the only reason. 

Mephibo-who? (Part 1)

Mephibosheth (Meh-fi-bo-sheth). 

This dude changed my walk with Christ. This might be peculiar because 1) you've never heard of Mephibosheth or 2) he's only around in the Old Testament or 3) his story is short and he's only mentioned a handful of times in the Bible period. 

Well, lend me your ear (er... eyes?) for a second. Or like five minutes. 

I love the story of David and Mephibosheth. You can find it 2 Samuel 9. 

For those of you not too familiar with the Old Testament, here's a little back story. David grew up as the son of Shepherd (someone who herds sheep), and was chosen by God to be King. The current King was named Saul. Saul had God's favor for a while, but after a few misdeeds, God appointed David to take over when Saul died. 

Saul had a son named Jonathan. Jonathan and David were best friends. Total bromance. One of the sweetest love stories between two best friends can be found within the relationship of David and Jonathan. So they make this solemn oath to each other to always to be friends and take care of each other's descendants and the such. Read 1 Samuel when you have a few hours to kill. It's honestly beautiful. 

Anyways, so Jonathan has a son named Mephibosheth, who is lame (as in cannot walk).

Saul and Jonathan are killed in war when Mephibosheth is five years old. When a messenger tells this to the nurse that is caring for Mephibosheth, she grabs him (because he cannot walk) and runs to escape (I'll explain why later). As she is running, she drops him and he is crippled in both of his legs. 

An extremely depressing opening to this story, right? Father and grandfather (who was King) dies, and he's crippled.

When Saul died, David became King. It was customary in this time that when a person became King, he kills all of the relatives that belonged to the former King so that none of the family rose up and tried to take the throne again (hence, why the nurse tries to flee with Mephibosheth).

Okay. Now go read 2 Samuel 9.