Seek Justice. Love Mercy. Walk Humbly.

This week has been quite eventful. Freshmen Retreat is coming up this weekend so there is lots of planning going on! As well, I taught the lesson for the Bible Study I lead, so that was really being laid heavy on my heart. 

And within all of this, my fears took the better of me. 

Feelings like I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough to be leading a Bible Study. I'm not good enough to be discipling others. I'm not good enough to be planning this retreat. It would be going better if someone else was leading it. 

Fears that I've had for a long time - and all resurfacing at once. One of my goals this semester is to find my self-worth in God and not in other people (or their praises). It's at times like this when I need to remember that. 

Last night I was down. I was in the gutter. I let Satan get a foothold of my fears and oh, did he just run with it. I ended up calling one of my good guy friends, Nate, over. I was searching for affirmation in a person. But, wow, is my God greater than he who tries to tear me down. Nate listened to me as I stumbled my way through explaining what's going on and his first response is, "Grab your Bible." He led me through Genesis 1 and 2 - reminding me that I am the pinnacle of Creation. 

"I know I'm not good enough. And this is even more terrible because I know that this is the message of the Gospel! That I'm not good enough and that's why Christ had to save me!" I exclaimed through it all.
And this boy, with the wisdom of God flowing through him, calmly says, "Emily, it's not that you aren't good enough. It's that you aren't good enough to save yourself. That's why Christ died to saved you."

I have so many men bursting with the love of Christ around me. Even when I search for affirmation from them, they point me back to God. How in the world did I get so lucky. 

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After this interaction, I get a text from one of my lovely girls stating what a good job I'm doing and thanking me for all the things I do. 

I love these girls. Just at the right time, in God's timing. 

I cannot wait to see how God uses the women in the study I lead to teach me over the next two years. I'm already blown away a semester in. 

Even in my lesson, I taught about God's plan for our lives - and how his plan is for us to faithfully follow Him. That's it. 

Micah 6:8, "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy  and to walk humbly with your God."

That's it. 

Seek justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with your God. 

Today as I walk to class, I meditate on this refrain I've developed:

All of my questions, all of Your answers. 
All of my fears, and all of my failures. 
Seek justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with you, God. 

How can I ever repay this unfailing love? 
This love that never ends.
Seek justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with you, God. 

It's Calm. And Freezing.

It's cold. Really cold. Single digits cold. This creates a bounty of time to stay in and do readings for class... yeah, right. But I have actually been doing a lot of reading recently. Being the nerdfighter I am (say whaaa? Watch this), I've been reading the works of John Green. He's one of my favorite Young Adult Fiction writers because his wit and sarcasm that is bountiful in his many books.

So I'm reading Will Grayson, Will Grayson - which is an awesomely funny story about two boys both named Will Grayson and the adventure of their lives as they struggle with the relationships of friends and significant others - and I'm just struck at how peaceful my life is right now (yeah, absolutely nothing to do with the book). Seriously! Don't get me wrong, I'm insanely busy - but I'm at peace.

Family: awesome
Friendships: great
School Work: I'm on top of things
Relationship with God: Steadily growing

And it's beautiful.
Simply beautiful.
I almost have to take a step back and look at everything and breather.
But, I'm sure the calm won't last long. I'll enjoy it and get ahead while I can.

Worship-Filled Car Rides

This past weekend, my family and I traveled to New York for my mother's birthday. Photo included!

Not the point though. When I travel from school to home and back I have quite a bit of time in the car (3.5 hours each way). Some people really don't like driving that much - but I love it. I especially like doing it alone so I can belt out songs without worries of judgment and stares from passengers. This past weekend was no different.

And oh do I belt.

The majority of time I am listening to worship music or Mumford & Sons. That's about it.

Here I am, driving along I-83, singing praises to my Creator (listening to worship music obviously) and I just start crying. Not like "ah this is inspirational music and touching me" crying, like sobbing crying. Read this blog post to understand a bit why I was such a wreck.

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure I got at least a few crazy-person stares from other drivers.

There was one song, and then one phrase from another song, that I seriously cannot get out of my head.

"Hold My Heart" by Tenth Avenue North is one of my favorite "here I am surrendering but I can't feel you" songs. And boy, did it resonate last night. Go listen. And don't just listen, but listen to what its saying. So beautiful.

The other is from the song "Set Apart This Dream" by Flyleaf. Flyleaf is a very alternative band in the Christian scene. Very rock-y and screamo-y. But I enjoy rocking out. The album that this song comes from is one of my favorites, but that's beside the point. Within this song it says the line, "Set your thoughts on a world far off, where we only cry from joy" 

SWEET BEAUTY.
Its gorgeous. We will only cry for joy.
Eeek! Heaven. I can't wait.

So many beautiful things await us there.

This is what contains my car rides. I am a crazy person. Jesus freak. But for real.

Unworthy.

Unworthy. Inadequate. Useless. 

These feelings aren't new and certainly aren't positive. But they are how the past month has been going in my walk. 

There are many things that happened in my past that I know God has forgiven me for, but I simply can't forgive myself for them. That leads to me into a cycle of being angry at myself, mild depression, and then recovery knowing that I'm forgiven. And again. And again. 

It sucks. Feeling unworthy sucks. Feeling inadequate sucks. For me, it's not feeling like I am worth enough to have the friends I have, be at the school I'm at, or have the loving God I have. Yet this is the Gospel! That I'm not good enough and I NEED a Savior to restore that broken relationship. 

I share the Gospel relatively often, but it seems that I'm the one that needs to be reminded of it the most! 

God loves me. The relationship is broken. Only Christ can restore it. I am forgiven. So why can't I accept that? 

One of the members of my Passion family group told me this quote by C.S. Lewis, "If God forgives us we must forgive ourselves otherwise its like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him." Said another way, if we don't forgive ourselves, we are saying we are higher than God. 

I most certainly don't want that to be true!

So I'm stuck in a rut again. Where I love God, I believe His promises and His forgiveness, but I struggle at letting things go. 

1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness"

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief. 

Mephibo-who? (Part 2)

Okay, hopefully by now you've read through 2 Samuel 9. Maybe it didn't hit you quite as hard as it hit me, but let's break this down together.

This story is very reflective of the Gospel. Hence, why I find it ever so beautiful. 

1. David seeks out Mephibosheth. Mephibosheth doesn't happen to run into David - in fact (we find out later) he was hiding in society. David asked around for him because he wanted him. 

2. Mephibosheth's fear. When called by the King that could rightfully kill you for being a part of the former King's line... one can only have such high hopes. Mephibosheth probably thought the best outcome would be him coming away with his life. He was before the mighty King, who has the power and the motives to kill him. 

3. Mephibosheth's brokenness. Mephibosheth was probably an outcast. By his crippled legs alone he most likely stayed on the edges of the towns and society. He was looked down upon and recognized as broken, and he recognizes this himself, calling himself a dead dog. 

4. David restores Mephibosheth. David gives Mephibosheth more than he could ever fathom. Not only does he spare him his life, he gives him livelihood. He sits him at his table and gives him servants and food! Wealth beyond his wildest imagine - and for nothing in return. Mercy is sparing Mephibosheth his life. Grace is giving him the seat at the table, the food, and the servants. 

Hopefully you see the numerous parallels here. Maybe I can't communicate it through words. Either way, this story represents my relationship with Christ. God sought me. I deserved death. I recognized my brokenness. God gave me life and everlasting life in His kingdom. 

I am princess, a daughter of the King. I did nothing. He did everything. I didn't deserve life. He gave me more than life. 

I am a princess. 

I am Mephibosheth. 

I have done nothing. 

He has given righteousness, life, and a seat at the King's table because He loves me - that's the only reason. 

Mephibo-who? (Part 1)

Mephibosheth (Meh-fi-bo-sheth). 

This dude changed my walk with Christ. This might be peculiar because 1) you've never heard of Mephibosheth or 2) he's only around in the Old Testament or 3) his story is short and he's only mentioned a handful of times in the Bible period. 

Well, lend me your ear (er... eyes?) for a second. Or like five minutes. 

I love the story of David and Mephibosheth. You can find it 2 Samuel 9. 

For those of you not too familiar with the Old Testament, here's a little back story. David grew up as the son of Shepherd (someone who herds sheep), and was chosen by God to be King. The current King was named Saul. Saul had God's favor for a while, but after a few misdeeds, God appointed David to take over when Saul died. 

Saul had a son named Jonathan. Jonathan and David were best friends. Total bromance. One of the sweetest love stories between two best friends can be found within the relationship of David and Jonathan. So they make this solemn oath to each other to always to be friends and take care of each other's descendants and the such. Read 1 Samuel when you have a few hours to kill. It's honestly beautiful. 

Anyways, so Jonathan has a son named Mephibosheth, who is lame (as in cannot walk).

Saul and Jonathan are killed in war when Mephibosheth is five years old. When a messenger tells this to the nurse that is caring for Mephibosheth, she grabs him (because he cannot walk) and runs to escape (I'll explain why later). As she is running, she drops him and he is crippled in both of his legs. 

An extremely depressing opening to this story, right? Father and grandfather (who was King) dies, and he's crippled.

When Saul died, David became King. It was customary in this time that when a person became King, he kills all of the relatives that belonged to the former King so that none of the family rose up and tried to take the throne again (hence, why the nurse tries to flee with Mephibosheth).

Okay. Now go read 2 Samuel 9.